The life you have always wanted
by otherworldlymortal
Summary: When you are never enough, there is only so much you can do...
1. Chapter 1

**Warning: it may contain spoilers for season 4**

It is Elsa that helps her make the decision – or rather, make her realize that she decided a long time ago, back when Henry's words ripped her already battered heart apart. She just needed an opportunity, a push that will overcome foolishly remaining doubts and hopes.

At first she planned to cross the townline and move to one of those great big cities – to a place as different from Storybrooke as possible. To a place where every little thing would not remind her that noone ever will choose her for herself, that she will be never enough, worth fighting for. As far away as possible from the town where every person sees her only as a sum of her mistakes, a walking danger, a bomb that could go off any minute and destroy everything they hold dear, where the best she could be for them is absent – not dead, because that would taint their precious souls, just nonexistent. It is not like she does not understand that. _Who in their right mind would want meeting the infamous Evil Queen while doing shopping or drinking in a bar?_ Still, there was a time when she believed she could put the past behind her, a stupid thought that saving everyone more than once would mean that there is a hope for happy ending even for her.

She still remembers the sheer joy and overwhelming love she felt that day at the docks. Putting the last touches to the nearly finished book, she saw the scene clearly before her eyes: Henry's eyes, so happy, so full of unconditional love, the kiss that made her believe she was the mother he always wanted, his meeting with Robin… It was the talk that happened right after which gave her an idea to move. She wanted to see all to things her son was talking about, experience life he had there – and later she thought it could be the only thing that she would allow to connect her to a life she left behind. But as she started to make preparations – not that she would admit it to herself at the time; then, it was just an idea which was helping her to focus on issues connected with Elsa's arrival – she realized she would not be granted even that comfort. Her usual responses to heartbreak were not exactly rational and thought through so in a strange way she was glad that at the time she was just too numb to act. Then she would leave a son with a feeling of guilt and betrayal at the same time for a place where she did not have any reasonable ways to support herself or even get around, not in the long run.

The clock strikes three and she realizes she spent almost whole day on that book. _As if it really needed it._ She started on it a few days ago and normally she would have finished it already but she recognized easily what was holding her back - the foolish emotion she could not completely rip out from her heart. _Hope._ Hope that maybe… Maybe… But Henry called her only once and the whole conversation was about an amazing time he was having with the Charmings, all the new tricks he learned from 'Killian', that 'Mom' finally starts to grasp the general idea of proper baking... She concludes she should be glad. This is exactly what she was aiming for when she made her decision but a selfish part of her wished that Henry would see her through. _The True Love kiss cannot lie, can it?_ _True Love is the most powerful magic of all._ At the time she believed it with her whole heart. Her then naive, innocent, pure heart. But now she knows better. With True Love Kiss you can break any curse but it will not grant you a happy ending. _But now I have a chance to provide it to Henry._ _And this is all that matters._

She takes the book and her purse. She could probably try to use magic but it was still unpredictable at times, not dark but not light either. Resembling her heart, she thinks. And that is another choice she stands before. After defeating Zelena she thought she could embrace that change, she was more than ready for it. For one perfect evening she believed she could have it all – love, happiness, forgiveness. Family. _Second chance._ Moments later everything came crashing down.

Walking through the city is quite an ordeal these days. Even though she tries very hard not to, sometimes she gets a glimpse of Robin – with his son, alone or with Her. It is a relief, really, that he never approaches her on those occasions. The other ones were enough and as heartbreaking as it gets. She takes comfort in the fact that in a few days all of this will not matter. She will hopefully find peace.

_It is time to set things in motion. _And she knocks on Dr. Hopper doors.


	2. Chapter 2

"You cannot be serious!"

It surprises her she is still able to feel such a glee simply because she managed to throw off balance the ever undisturbed Cricket. The emotion is gone as soon as it appeared but it is the most alive she felt in a long time and her heart beats harder and faster… She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, willing herself to stay calm, focused on the task that is ahead of her. It gets easier every time she does that but then, usually she is all alone so meeting a concerned gaze of Dr. Hopper startles her a bit. When she answers, however, her voice does not falter even a little.

"I assure you, there were few times in my life when I was just as serious. My decision is final, the only question is, will you help me? You know asking was never my strong suit. It puts me in a position of being dependable on someone, exposed to rejection and, frankly, I have quite enough of it already. But this… I know you are in no way obliged to aid me but I…"

_It is harder than I thought._ She clears her throat, straightens nonexistent wrinkles on her skirt and continues.

"I believe that you will keep it a secret and not betray my trust, not again."

Silence fills the room. Not wanting to meet his eyes, she starts to examine the room. _ So many hours spent here, so much effort. At the time I really believed I could do better. For Henry… _For the umpteenth time she curses her resilient heart. If it were for anyone else, Snow's words would apply, but happiness is not in cards for her. She should have learned that lesson a long time ago.

She wants him to say something. Either to throw her out, laugh at her and yell that he would never help a monster like her – even though deep down she knows he would never do such a thing – or agree at spot, eager to get rid of the Evil Queen once and for all. _And in a way which ensures noone's heart acquires an interesting spot of blackness_. The image of her mother's last moments stands before her eyes.

"Regina…"

His voice is so full of pity she cannot breathe. She does not want that, does not deserve it. She came here because she could not wait no longer, she was afraid that the more she postponed the execution of her plan, the less able she would be to go through with this. And, either way, she has less and less time to do it anyway.

"When you came here so composed and calm, for a second I thought you removed your heart to be able to achieve that."

A wave of betrayal hits her hard as her hand involuntarily goes to her chest.

"Did Snow tell you…?"

She stops herself when she sees something flickers in his eyes.

"So you tried to do that back in the Enchanted Forest. I suspected as much. Why did you not go through with it?

Excruciating pain, terrible loneliness and hopelessness. She is immediately transported back to that first day back when she felt like nothing would ever be right. Her son's last words to her, the same ones she would have given everything to hear before, rung in her ears again and again. _If only she was a better mother then… If only…_ The pain was unbearable so as soon as was able, she sneaked away. The first moment her heart left her body brought her so much relief she almost fell. She knew then what she needed to do in order to function and be of any help to the Charmings. And that was how Snow found her.

"My stepdaughter was obnoxious as always. She would not leave me alone and I knew that unless I crushed my own heart right there and got it over with, she would find a way to make me do as she wished. So I caved…"

They both know she was lying. But he does not say the word, just lets her reminiscence and come the only possible conclusion – that even then her stupidly resilient heart clung to the lasts shreds of hope and did not let her give up. That somehow, some part of her believed Snow when she reassured her she would be able to feel something more. _Damn Snow and her infuriating optimism. _For she managed to feel something more._ Robin…_ But she does not allow herself to go that way.

She tries to smirk.

"You got better at this, Dr. Hopper. Just sitting here and letting me do all the talking and thinking and somehow it goes just the way you want it to."

He sighs and for a few moments studies her with patient, open eyes.

"Look around you a bit closer, will you? Just observe as if it was happening to somebody else. And if you think you are able to, come here so we can talk. I will not try to dissuade you from what you decide and I will help you any way I can but, please, humour me in this one."

She does not know what to say, so she just nods, gets up quickly, and taking one last look at the book lying on the table, she leaves the apartment.

She still has a lot to prepare.


	3. Chapter 3

**Warning: it may contain spoilers for season 4, although the more I hear about it, the more AU this story becomes.**

She wishes the streets were empty. Not so long ago she could wander around the town and there was hardly anyone outside. Was is for the sudden and at the time inexplicable chill, the fear of the unknown threat that was looming around them or they simply decided that sticking to their cursed memories and jobs was not worth it anymore? She did not really care. Now, she sees that it was better that way. There were no stares, no whispering, quiet enough so that she knew they did not want her to hear them, but loud enough for her to actually realize she was the topic of their hushed conversations. She is used to contempt, hate and fear almost as much as to being left behind, lonely and hopeless and yet the second option seems now as a better one. She needs her anger to deal with others wrath and that emotion left her unnoticed, leaving in its wake emptiness and despair.

_Like a thief… _

Her heart skips a beat and continues in a slight faster face, albeit in a labored, tired way as if it was not strong enough for her body. The first few times it happened, she did not know what to do, now she simply concentrates on breathing evenly and reaches out to the hollow feeling inside of her in a practiced way that would have scared her before.

The sound of a laughter, free and true, brings her back to the sunny street. They are far from her and cannot see her but there is no mistaking the happy family. She used to hear that laughter every day, most of the time she was the cause of it, back then when she was the mother Henry wanted, when she was the most important person in his small, loving universe. She sees her son talking animatedly to Snow who looks tired – she remembers how exhausted she was when Henry was that small, more often than not falling asleep in a chair next to his crib – but happy, elated even. Next to her Charming, with one arm around her, the other one pushing the stroller with the newest addition to their perfect family. She watches Henry hovering over little Neal, making funny faces, laughing…

_Like a proper older brother, not nephew… _

She never really ponders on Charmings' strange family tree, it is a perfect way to grand her a headache but times like these reaffirm her that she is doing the right thing. She wants her son to be able to be that cheerful and carefree every day without having to worry about her, whether or not she will do something wrong or get crushed once again. _All that matters is Henry._ Though now she reckons she can add Snow to the short list of people she wishes happiness. _Snow and…_

She is glad they did not see her. The meeting would undoubtedly lead to extremely uncomfortable conversation, half-hearted inquires about how she is holding up, exclamations how glad they are to see her and "One of these days you must really visit us" polite lies. And she slows down enough so that it does not look like she is avoiding them – her pride is all she has left – and watches as they disappear around the corner.

Only then she resumes her pace and in no time she is entering Granny's Diner. She cannot understand why Elsa decided to stay in there. She would rather sleep in the car than deal with Granny every single day but then Elsa managed to get quite a few friends in town. Of course, at first it did not seem possible, she appeared to be just another threat to Storybrooke's peaceful existence. _As if Miss Swan journey to the past was not enough for this month. _ She is now in a place where thinking about Emma did not make her want for a whole world to disappear or burn alongside her bleeding heart but it does not mean she can say she is able to forgive her. The feeling of betrayal so deep that even her condition cannot make it disappear.

Her entrance makes people stop talking. Just like on the streets some stare at her with hatred, pity or this unreadable expression she sees more and more every day, some try to avert her gaze as if she could curse them just by looking at them. _Which is true, even though I do have no will nor energy to do so. _ She catches Granny's eyes, tilts her head in what she hope is a polite manner and goes further.

It is time to talk with Elsa.

**Thank you for reading.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Warning: AU after S3 finale although it may contain spoilers for s4 and tiny bit of OUaTiW.**

„There is not much time left. Will says…"

She is stopped by the look in her eyes. As if she did not know, as if she did not count the days. _Everything is almost ready. Now the time has come to the most difficult parts – The Talks and The Ending._

"This is a nice place. At first I could not find myself in it, everything is so different from Arendelle. And the worry about Anna, what is happening to her, if she is all right. It is not easy. But… "

Elsa gets silent for a moment. Her eyes become this deep shade of blue she now recognizes as "I miss my family" emotion. It sometimes surprised her how quickly they managed to connect. Their stories are somewhat similar, it is true, but if that was the only factor, she would have found a far more easier companion in Miss Swan. It helps she never exactly did anything to hurt her or use her – that honour goes to Rumplestiltskin. But the strangest part is – Elsa gets her and she thinks she can say the same thing. She understands guilt, loneliness, betrayal. They never even really needed to talk about her plans before but that is clearly going to change.

"As much as I could like it here, I did not choose to be there. And people I love and care about are far away from me. My kingdom is missing a queen. I once made a mistake thinking they will be better off without me. I let emotions rule me, I thought of my magic as of a source of my misery and that having it made me evil. I never wanted it but I hurt people. So I ran away scared and locked myself up in a place I thought noone would find me. Not that I ever believed someone would want to…

My point is, I see you trying to prepare, make sure everything will go the way you think everyone have a chance to be content and at peace. But you cannot know that. You have every right to decide what to do with your life but it has to be your decision. You cannot put it on others."

She wants to say something but she does not know what. She feels with her whole being that she is making the right choice, that the plan will work the way she intended. But even though she wants very badly, she cannot shut out her heart completely and there among the darkness, heartbreak, pain and emptiness that just wait to consume her, there is this small but invincible feeling that makes her doubt. _Like a candle in the darkness. They say darkness cannot win but the truth is it does not have to. The light may have its small victory, its space where the darkness cannot enter… But it can be and it is all around. One candle is not able to lighten the whole forest, it just makes easier for beasts to find you._

"I accepted that you did not want to do anything about your heart even if I do not agree with it. But I think you should do the same. And if you really want to go, then I will be more than happy for you and because of it. I was not joking when I said I could use help."

She can tell her it is not the same. Henry told her he managed to watch _Frozen_ with Elsa at one point – how her son managed to make her do this, she will never understand – and from what she gathered it was quite faithful to the real story. And so she knew their stories were not as similar as Elsa made them to be. That there are pretty good reasons she is and always will be the Evil Queen for all the people who know her. But she does not need to even open her mouth, explain it, try for her to see the reason…

"There are three days left. As I said, the decision is yours and I will support it. And I will help you with the spell. We can meet tomorrow and check if it works the way it is supposed to. I just hope you know…"

She looks at her with a gentle smile as if trying to fill her tired heart with hope and understanding.

"If you do change your mind, I am really happy we met."


	5. Chapter 5

**Warning: AU after season 3 finale although it contains spoilers for season 4 and Once Upon a Time in Wonderland.**

The first ones are Granny's. She looks at her without blinking, her gaze steady, calm, not openly hostile but not warm either. In Ruby's eyes, smiling seconds before while talking to a customer, is now this strange look she has gotten used to over last few weeks. She still does not know what it means but she feels numb enough not to care. Then there is Steve, a young guy helping at the florist. She has no idea who he was back in the Enchanted Forest but she remembers perfectly well how good he was with creating bouquets and how happy he was every time someone praised him for it. There is noone brought to Storybrooke with the First Curse she does not know. _Twenty eight years in a limbo would do that to a person._ His stare is so full of pity it takes most of her energy not to avert her eyes. Fear, wrath, anger, sadness, malice, envy, curiosity, pity, this other look …

There are so many of them, too many, too complicated. But she never bucked down from a challenge so when she is walking down the street, she keeps her back straight, her step even and sure while meeting town citizens' eyes. Most of them are surprised, lately she made sure rarely to look at them, wanting to show them she is above all of this, all of them and nothing could hurt her. Gossip spread very fast after that fateful night at the diner, her locking herself up in a manor for a few days did not help so she needed all of her armour to get through the days without lashing out or breaking down. The temptation to hurt people, to hurt, get rid of Her was great… It still is, nothing, not even the numbness that spreads through her body can make it disappear. She reckons it is a good thing that by the time of their confrontation with Elsa her heart was mostly filled with grief, hopelessness and heartbreak, otherwise now she would be walking throughout a pile of ashes, the remains of building and constructions mixed with crushed hearts and lifeless bodies. And she would not be able to carry on with her plan, to even think about anyone else but herself, her pain, her destroyed future.

_Who would have thought that sadness could save lives? And that the Evil Queen could provide happy endings? _

She needs to talk with her mother's ex-Knave but that can wait. It came as a surprise how at ease she feels in his company. He was wary of her at the beginning and she did not give him a second thought till he realized she was Cora's daughter. She clearly remembers her nearly hysterical laughter after he accused her of being related to a person who corrupted his love. It was like a rotten cherry on the hellish top of her life. He came to her later that day, not with apology "if you are waiting for "I'm sorry", prepare for a really long wait" but with explanation. There is a first time for everything they say and so she heard he was just surprised she managed to come around having been raised by the likes of her mother. She did not know whether to feel offended or patronized by the statement but the following dispute made her feel almost normal for awhile, an experience she welcomed, not having it in a long time. The fact that he was apparently at odds with the leader of Merry Man certainly helped them interact. He knew better than to mention him and she never asked what happened between the two of them.

The long walk may give her time to think one more time about the preparations, whether she missed some important details, did not considered every single consequence she might have thought of. There is a long road between the diner and the stables but she needs to see it one more time anyway and it will be better if she does not leave it for the last moment or she might not be able to part with it in time.

The storm is heading towards the town with heavy dark clouds and a chilling wind. The further she goes, the less people she sees on the streets, probably afraid of what the nature might bring this time. Since Elsa's appearance the weather has been completely unpredictable, heat waves intermingling with blizzards and storms. It calmed down a bit with them teaching her how to control her powers but every now and then the elements remind them what happens when you meddle with them. It appears as this day is no exception.

By the time she reaches the stables, it gets dark, her body trembles from the cold and she feels first big drops of rain on her face. Inside is it surprisingly calm, the animals probably used to the strange happenings. The only one with a turmoil inside was her. _Daniel._ The tears in her eyed, heart pierced with a haunting pain and despair…

"I came to say goodbye. For real this time. You were the only one who never chose to abandon me. I suppose you were never given a chance. Would you hate me as well if you saw what I became? Could you love a monster?"

She does not notice tears running down her face until she tastes salty water on her mouth. The sobs wreaking her body make it almost impossible to stand still but she is tired on being on her knees all the time, crying and despairing.

"I loved again. Is it a betrayal to your memory? Or was it everything I have done? What would you tell me if you knew? If you held my dark heart in your hands, would you crush it so that I could never hurt anyone again?

It would be easier if I thought you would. But heroes are not like that. They do not exact vengeance, do not kill people even if it would make their life less difficult and more happy. That is where villains like me come."

Her heart beats fast now, sending waves of freezing pain through her body, fighting with every fiber of her being with the emptiness and numbness that are confining her.

"There were few things that were right in my life – you, my father, saving that little girl and my son. And that is why I must do it. I have to give him a family, a good life he always craved for. He is happy now but there is one thing that is burdening him. And I need to make sure it will not, ever again.

I may not be in love with you anymore but I will always love you. Thank you for giving me strength. I hope you would be proud of me, for once doing the right thing when there is nothing for me in it. Thank you and goodbye."

_Goodbye Daniel…_

**A/N: I didn't want to spoil where the story is heading exactly and for me what I wrote seemed to be even too obvious but maybe that's just because I know what is going to happen and what I want to write. It doesn't necessary mean I manage to do that clearly but I hope it gets better.**

**Anyway, thank you for reading it. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Warning: AU after S3 finale although it contains spoilers for S4 and Once Upon a Time in Wonderland**

The air filling her lungs is clear, fresh, with this specific scent it acquires after the storm, the one that makes her feel more pure, a bit lighter. She does not even realize where she is heading until the air changes. "He smells like forest" she once said to Snow. At the time it was meant to be an insult towards him, a reminder that she would never be a person her step-daughter could joke around with and a reprimand for herself because although she was so utterly heartbroken there was something about the thief that unnerved her in a very specific way. It was such a forgotten emotion she was not able to identify it for a very long time. It took even longer to admit to herself what it was changing into.

The scent surrounds her, engulfs in the memories she does not want to reminiscence but that are impossible to ignore. They are always at the verge of her mind, hiding, waiting for the briefest moment of weakness to strike, rip her apart, leaving her breathless, broken, bleeding on the inside, reminding of being worthless, never enough for anybody... A case lost from the very beginning.

A sharp sound of a broken twig behind her startles her. She turns around, half expecting to see something dangerous lurking in the shadowy bushes, someone eager to take a chance on getting rid of the Evil Queen for good. Her right hand twitches instinctively, magic immediately builds up in her, ready to protect its wielder. She does not even notice it, does not conjure a fireball nor disappears – there is no energy or will in her anymore.

She is greeted with big, smiling eyes and a cute little smile.

"Hi."

His voice is low but happy. He looks so young and innocent, too pure to even stay in the company of someone like her. And yet he does not seem to be afraid.

"I am hiding. Will you help me?"

He smiles confidentially at her as if he was sharing a secret. His small hand finds hers, pulling her down while the other one shows her where to kneel so that they would not be found.

"Roland, honey, where are your mama and papa? Do they know you are hiding here alone?"

She feels a finger on her lips, his face showing him struggling whether to talk to her and explain everything or remain quiet for the sake of staying hidden. There is a fleeting warm feeling inside her right, for the briefest of moments she revels in the child's attention. Roland leans towards her and finally starts whispering in her ear.

"We need to be quiet or mama will find us. And then you will not have time for me again. She says you are busy. But we can stay here a bit, right?"

Her heart clenches painfully but she just nods and lets him carry on. The boy apparently has already forgotten what hiding includes because the more he talks, the wider his gestures become, his voice also no longer hushed.

"Mama hugs too much. And she does not let me play alone. I am a big boy, papa always says. And she says I am little and have to stay with her all the time."

He spreads his hands to show her how long that is and she feels as if something is breaking inside her all over again.

"Roland, do you remember when we were in the Enchanted Forest? You said once I looked sad all the time. My son Henry could not be with us and I was missing him very very much. He did not even remember me and it hurt here, in my heart. When I found him again, I was so happy and I wanted to see him constantly. With your mama is the same. She loves you very much and missed you terribly. And when you love someone, you want to be with them, play together, hug very strongly. Do you understand?"

"Mama was sad?"

His clear eyes are full of tears now. It tempts her to spin this situation around, to let Her hurt at least slightly as much as she is hurting for so very long. She knows the influence she has on the little boy who has been quite taken with her since she saved him from the flying monkey. The toy she gave him become a constant playmate for the little boy, he rarely even went to sleep without it. As the months passed, she realized that they managed to form kind of a friendship. He was the only one who saw her as just the person he liked to spend time with, without the baggage of her being the Evil Queen, a burden or someone who is broken beyond repair. _It would be so easy to use it against them… _But she has come too far for this. She cannot imagine hurting him like that just as she cannot put someone else through the kind of pain that was tearing her apart. She almost wants to want this but is no longer able to. And so she turns her head so that their eyes are on the same level and tries to make him understand.

"Yes, honey, you are her baby, it hurt her she could not be with you. You are a big boy just as your papa says so you need to help her to not be sad. I believe you can do it."

The hug he gives her is strong, warm and full of gratitude. She knows she needs to take him back to his family but for now she just lets herself feel.

"And now you want to steal my son away as well?"

The voice is even, emotionless. She looks at her with disdain in her eyes, not even realizing she understands it is suppose to keep hurt and betrayal from her. She slowly gets up, untangling herself from Roland's embrace.

"Do not be silly, mama. You cannot steal people. Regina was helping me being a big boy and now you will be happy."

His smile is like a sunshine in a frosty day – warm and beautiful but not nearly enough to make either of them feel less cold. The boy does not see that, he never stops smiling, clearly proud of himself for understanding her and pronouncing her name in a correct manner for the first time.

She hates her, she thinks, hates the fact that her mere existence managed to destroy her so completely, starting an avalanche of events which left her cut open with a bleeding soul and irreparably broken heart. She cannot stand it even more that none of this is Marian's fault, that she is just a victim in the whole mess. But the thing she hates the most it that she knows it is herself she hates with all she has left. She is the one who destroys everything she touches, the poison killing her own soul and she should have known better than to ever believe she would be enough for anybody. She never was and never deserved it.

She takes her son in her arms but does not say another word. Her eyes speak loudly enough…

"There may come a day when you will feel all of this is too much…"

She surprises even herself by speaking.

"Ask Charming how he knew that Snow swallowed the poisonous apple. Then go to Dr. Hopper, he will have something to help you."

She catches Roland's eyes and manages to smile a little in goodbye. Without another word she turns around and leaves. The whole time she can feel Marian's scorching gaze, burning away what was yet unbroken in her.

**Thank you for reading.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Warning: AU after season 3 finale; it contains spoilers for season 4 and Once Upon a Time in Wonderland**

Henry calls her when she is still in the forest. She cannot decide whether it gives her more pain or relief knowing it is probably one of the last conversations they will ever have. She listens attentively anyway, not being able not to focus on things apparently important to her son – a math test he studied for the whole weekend, a hunt for the new flat for him and Mum, Snow's problems as an acting Mayor…

"… but we finally managed to get it under control so you do not need to be worried. Also, Mum…"

His voice for a moment looses its cheerfulness, it seems hesitant, somehow forced as if he is not sure whether it is a good idea to ask.

"It would be really awesome if you could join us tomorrow for breakfast. I know there is a lot going on right now but I want to see you. The whole family…"

Pain. It is a first thing her brain registers when she is able to breathe again. Whatever happiness she felt seconds ago, it is gone now, replaced by the excruciating feeling that sets all of her senses on fire. She almost welcomes the emptiness that follows, the icy numbness she became so accustomed to chases away the remnants of the pain. With shaky leg she manages to sit on the nearest log, trying to concentrate on Henry's talking. At first it is only a bunch of unrelated words – "Emma", "coffee", "time" but soon she feels almost as in the whole incident was just something she made up in her mind.

"So what do you think? Tomorrow at eight?"

She does not even need to lie.

"I do not know, honey, I am not feeling very well at the moment. You would only worry about me instead of starting a day with a smile. But I promise we will talk soon."

They do not talk long after that. She does not have strength and he seems to no longer want to. The whole conversation leaves her more drained than ever. She is still unsure whether the strange pain attacks again so resting a bit longer looks like a good idea. She focuses on breathing evenly, feeling the tension slowly leaving her body.

"I would have thought sneaking up on the Evil Queen would happen to be a more difficult challenge."

"And I would have thought that in order to do that you would need to be able to walk, Will."

He only now seems to notice his that his feet are glued to the ground. He tries to move them but to no avail and so he bows down in an exaggerated way as if they were in a throne room. She considers for a moment leaving him like that longer, the day was already too much for her but she wanted to talk to him anyway. _ At least I do not need to ask anyone where to look for him._

"It is good to see you still know how to use magic, Your Majesty. Especially since I talked with Elsa and realized we could be of use to each other."

She probably should feel offended but she is long past this stage and it makes her feel somewhat better that there is more to his story than what he told everybody upon his arrival to Storybrooke.

"Thinking anyone not related to the Charmings could be so foolish as go on the wild-goose chase without any help or plan because they had a bad dream made me fear for the future of humanity so thank you that is not the case. The world with one obnoxiously hopeful and I-believe-so-it-has to-be-possible family is in enough danger already."

He snorts, not even trying to pretend he disagrees with her.

There was always something amiss in his story. Wanting to find his long-lost sister she understood but going back here, not knowing what to expect, alone, just to take a piece of jewellery which once upon a time belonged to a now dead girl and then planning on going to another land he never even heard of before? And all of that just because he had a few nightmares? But apparently it seemed to be perfectly normal for Snow and Charming.

"It is not as if I lied. I arrived here planning on asking you for help but you were trying to solve the situation with Elsa and then I heard a story about the Saviour's time travel. People here do not understand that but there was a man in Wonderland who tried to change the past, tried to break the rules of magic. We know perfectly well time is not something you can trifle with."

He pauses for a bit, his face no longer calm but rather full of pain as if he was relieving a particularly bad memory.

"I knew there was hope my sister lived since the Mad Hatter told me about a woman who apparently was able to travel through a portal in the very same lake my sister drowned. It was foolish maybe but we never found a body and I could not live not knowing. I was already planning on finding out the truth when the dreams started. What I did not know at the time – and maybe it is a coincidence – is that the first time I dreamed of my sister in the frozen land, in pain, crying and asking for me, was the day Emma travelled through time."

**Thank you for reading. **


	8. Chapter 8

**Warning: AU after season 3 finale, although it contain spoilers for S4**

„Do not say, this is somehow my fault too?"

She rubs her temples slowly, feeling the coming headache.

"Yes, that is it! Everything that have ever happened in every realm is because of you. And that is why I did not go to Emma, Snow White or even the Dark One with my suspicions - confronting the ever-guilty Evil Queen on my own is a heck of an ingenious plan... I may be a thief but I am not an idiot, you know."

There was a time when one daring to address her in such a way would meet a painful death even if it seems a little like it happened in another lifetime. Now she can just glare at Will as he smirks, both pleased with himself and a little annoyed with her, apparently.

"You know that my sister's accident happened long before Emma arrived to the Enchanted Forest. From what I have gathered – and mind you, it was not easy, she gets really touchy when someone even suggests she could have done something that changed the past – there is no connection here either. Emma cannot localize her with the spell you supposedly taught her."

He starts listing it calmly but with every following word it becomes more and more obvious how frustrated he feels. He puts up a good front, she could give him that, more often than not passing as down-to-earth, slightly sarcastic guy who could really care less about what is going on around him. Even while talking about his sister she felt him pull back, not wanting to reveal the depth of his emotions or maybe just not knowing how to confront them. But now that she is really focusing on him, she sees the way his gestures are a little wider, his voice a tone higher, his eyes acquire the haunted look she got used to see in the mirror.

"There is something strange though. I do not know a lot about magic but I can feel it. It is nothing specific but there was a kind of barely noticeable barrier that locked her out. Emma says she just lacks experience and there is nothing there, she does not… exist anymore but… Bloody hell, this is my sister we are talking about, if there is even a small chance she could be alive, I have to try."

"And what will you do when we go to Arendelle and find nothing?"

The path he is on verge of entering looks terribly familiar. _Where is now this young girl who would do so much to get back her fiancé but unable to really hurt anybody? Gone, having been gradually but firmly killed by the more and more ruthless Queen. _Will is one of the good guys so it is entirely possible they will somehow find the girl but she cannot help but wonder what would happen if there is noone to find. Is a wife he left behind in Wonderland enough to keep him grounded if the dreams keep haunting him long after the hope is lost? She must have said the last thought aloud for he looks at her surprised. His mouth open and close as if he was not sure how to proceed then slowly comes to sit next to her.

"Ana was to one who help me accept there might be magic involved in all of this. But we both know it is only a possibility just as we know how badly you can screw up even without wanting to. I may not have the iron code that tells me exactly what I should and should not do…"

A sharp intake of breath surprises her as much as him. His eyes search for something in hers and she can pinpoint the exact moment he _sees _it. She expects to say something, it is not difficult to notice he wants to offer some words of comfort but, thankfully, there is no comment to follow his discovery.

"Anyway, we learned our lesson. And if this mission fail, then that is it. But, as I said, I have to try this one time."

She does not even know why but she wants to help him, wants to see this happy ending happening. Whether it is because she sees a bit of her younger self in him or just the "quest" will keep her occupy for some time, it does not really matter. It will help her put the time she has left in Storybrooke to a good use, concurrently preventing her from once again reconsidering leaving.

"A long time ago, back when I was studying magic under Rumplestiltskin' "tutelage", in one of the books he gave me I found the legend about a powerful artifact able to show what our life could have been at that point if we did make a different choice in the past. Many wanted to possess it, a lot of lives were lost in a futile quests to find it… But it is said that the ones who managed to do so met with even more terrible fate. They kept replaying their lives again and again, seeing things they could not change but somehow realizing that if they did one thing different at some point, they could save their loved ones, find happiness, get power… they would become so obsessed with the life they could have lived, they ended up mad. Only a few managed to avoid that fate, one of which – understanding how dangerous it was – destroyed it.

But Rumple never believed it happened. I do not think he found, I doubt it even exists now but you could ask Belle if she knows more about it. She probably read all that there was to read in his castle a few times so maybe she could shed some light on that matter. And since you seem to believe the time could have been altered somehow, this would be the mean to tell us how.

However, this is not why I am telling you all about it. We all wonder about "what's if" sometimes. We may even believe our life could be better if we changed just one act, one tiny detail… Those people forgot to live even before getting cursed. Do not make the same mistake. You have someone to come back to, don't ever forget."

With that words she gets up from the log and heads home. For a moment she walks alone, the silence disturbed only by the nature, her heart once again fighting with the numbness that tries to confine her. Soon enough she hears hurried steps behind her. She does not turn around, does not even look at him. He does not speak either but his presence is enough for her to feel just a little less alone, if only for this short walk.

**A/N: I am so sorry for the delay. Real life caught up with me, then I had a pretty big case of a writer's block. I don't know if anyone even remembers what it was about but, anyway, thank you for reading.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Warning: AU after season 3 finale; contains spoilers for season 4 and Once Upon a Time in Wonderland**

It is dark. It always is when she wakes up these days. She lies still with her eyes closed, hoping against hope that sleep will claim her again if only for a short time till dawn. There was no screaming tonight, nobody calling her a monster inside her dreams, no Henry to leave her as if she was nothing, hate her with his whole being, no father to stood idly by while all of her life crumbled, no love being ripped away from her… The house is quiet, the only sound reaching her ears is her own labored breathing. In and out, in and out, repeated like a mantra. Maybe if she concentrates really hard on this, an outside world would not be able hurt her.

Eventually the silence is too much. She gets up slowly, tiredly, her body protesting with every muscle, every bone. The cold from the bedroom floor sends an unpleasant shiver up her spine. Her bare feet lead her downstairs, every step breaking the silence that engulfs her. Soon enough she is outside. The moon crescent partially covered in clouds gives just enough light for her to be able to see the outlines of her surroundings. The air is chilly, the grass dewy but she is long past caring about what is affecting her body. The cold seems now like almost an old friend, quietly but surely helping her not to feel.

This is a place that was supposed to bring her a happy ending. For a short time she even believed that it did. She knows better now, she sees it every day. The Land without Magic that was to rob people of their happiness, instead made it possible to find it for everyone but her. It is ironic, perhaps, but also quite fitting. There was a time she was sure the life outside of the Enchanted Forest could give her happiness that but magic, anger and revenge were never the answer, she realizes that now. She also knows that it is too late for her. _Maybe it was always too late. _

She stays outside like an unwilling guardian until the sun rises, watching over the city she helped create. If she feels as if someone joined her undetected during her lonely vigil, keeping an eye on her, she puts in on her imagination.

* * *

><p>Her hand absentmindedly strokes the cuff as she watches Elsa slowly sip her coffee. It never ceases to amaze her that she took such a strong liking to hot beverages. One would think that the Ice Queen would avoid things so out of her element but then again, it is not like anything is ever as it seems there.<p>

She feels a bit drained after their magic lesson but it is not worse than usual. At first she took the responsibility on herself because Elsa wanted nothing to do with the Dark One, understandably so, and they need her to be able to control her powers. She managed to survive getting hit by one of her stray spells but she had magic, the next victim could not have been so lucky. It helped that Elsa felt so incredibly guilty for what happened that she did not even have a heart to tear her down for it. Which is ironic in itself if one were to think about it.

"It is amazing that you managed to created it on your own. Do you think I will ever be able to do things like that?"

"You are already in better control than I would expect. Much better than I would be in your situation, that is for sure. There is so much potential in you… What I do not know is if I will be able to teach you properly. But maybe I should just remember the way Rumplestiltskin taught me and do the exact opposite."

She says it with a wry smile. She is actually a bit apprehensive whether she will be able to help Elsa with her magic, her own history being the best example why it is so but if Elsa is willing to try then she will do her best. After all, she never does anything by halves. Or most of the time, at least. Even if she realizes that all of her effort from the previous weeks would probably not have mattered if Will did not show up with a way to get Elsa back to Arendelle.

"They really do worry about you, you know? Maybe they cannot show that, maybe you find it hard to believe but it is the truth. I saw them at the diner this morning. When Henry heard I am meeting with you later today, he seemed really bothered even if he tried not to show it. Are you sure you should not speak with him about you leaving?"

Her hand clenches on the cuff.

"You know I would do anything for him. But sometimes love is not enough. I know what I am doing and I can assure you that he _will_ be happy soon. And I will talk to him when the time is right."

Elsa wants to argue with that, tell her some pretty lies about how everything will work out it the end, she is sure of that. But she knows her better than that. And she knows words of consolation are just that, words. She may not understand why she simply cannot stay in Storybrooke any longer, she may not agree with it but she respects her and her decision. And it is really a breath of fresh air in her life.

They try small talk for a while, Elsa fills her in on latest happenings in the town. There is not much going on even with it being granted with Snow as a ruler. The part of her that still thinks as a mayor can see minor problems that should have been resolved by now if she actually knew what she was doing. It was Snow's decision though and therefore responsibility so she tries not to think too much about it. She finishes her story with the "exciting" news about ice cream parlour being closed for three days straight.

After that they sit together in silence for some time, neither really wanting to talk anymore but neither wanting to stay alone either. And somehow, it is a good kind of silence.

**A/N: It was not easy to write something sad after the last episode. But that it a problem I'm willing to have more often. I try to write more clearly and include more tips that I initially planned and I hope it makes reading more understandable.**

**Thank you so much for reading and support. Till the next time.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Warning: AU after season 3 finale; contains spoilers for season 4 and Once Upon a Time in Wonderland**

A soft knocking on her door startles her. She was immersed in distant memories so deeply that she did not notice most of the day passed. For a moment there she considers pretending she is not home for the visitor is the last thing she needs but she knows better. There are only a few people who would consider coming here on their own and none of them would leave once they decided she owes them a conversation of some sort. Sighing, she leaves on the table the pictures she has been staring at the whole afternoon and slowly approaches the door.

On the other side there is nothing but his gentle yet concerned eyes.

"I do not find very professional you showing up at my house, Doctor Hopper."

"Be that as it may, Regina, I could not leave it and since we both know you were never going to come to me, here I am. May I come in or are we going to talk at your porch?"

With a sarcastic "_Be my guest_" she follows him inside. Soon enough he is sitting opposite her, looking at her silently if he was expecting she would start talking just because he came. If he notices the pictures with Henry's and hers smiling faces, he does not comment on it.

"I must say I am impressed with the amount of work you put into the book. It is like everything happened the way it is described there. I could not find any "glaring" mistakes or omissions. It could actually work."

She grows impatient. That, and his calm unsettles her but it is not something she wants to admit to herself. Lashing out on him is so much easier anyway.

"Really? We both know you are not here for this idle chatter so why not just tell me I am making mistake, I will hurt people, I am selfish and thoughtless? Add some big scary words, condemn me with your sad, sad stares and go home. See? That was easy. I saved us both a lot of time. See you in two days."

"You are right. You will hurt people. You will hurt yourself. You can mock me all you want, pretend that you leaving is the best solution. But you _know_ nothing ever is this simple. Needing a break is perfectly normal after everything that happened. But what you are planning… Why? And, most of all, why do you think this is what is best for Henry?"

It is her son's name that does it. She has been fighting for so long, has been on verge of breaking for even longer. A life without the heartbreak, loneliness and tiredness seems like a forgotten dream and she is so damn tired of keeping everything to herself, pretending she is not as devastated as she really is.

"Maybe because I finally learned my lesson? Maybe because I am and I will always be a villain and even True Love is not enough for me to be enough? Or maybe because a few weeks ago I heard my son begging Rumplestiltskin to take away all of his memories of this town, of everything that happened, even his perfect Charming family so that he could not remember me? Or maybe it is this wretched thing…"

She pushes her hand deeply inside her chest and forcefully removes the beating organ. She can hear Archie's gasp when he sees her heart but she is too far gone by now. And without her heart she finds her mind clearer, her soul less numb. She cannot stop the words that are forcing themselves on her lips.

"Maybe that is the reason why I was able to share a True Love Kiss with my son – because I did not have _this_ inside me. And maybe that is why I was able to use the white magic to defeat my sister. Who knows if I would even think of sparing her life – not that it mattered anyway? "

It is like she cannot breath. For a moment there she does not understand what is happening but then she sees it. Her fingers tight on her heart, clenching a little bit harder with every beat… It comes to her as a surprise how much easier she can deal with this pain than with the one that has been ripping out her soul for so long. _And to think this little organ is responsible for all the heartbreak and suffering. Oh, how easy it would be to squeeze slowly harder and harder, to end all of the pain… _

A gentle, firm hand covering her own wakes her up from a trance. She slowly eases the hold on her heart and reluctantly puts it back inside her chest. The numbness is back instantly. Only then does she notice how itchy and numb her palm became. _Here goes hoping it will not leave blisters._

"Do you see it now? Do you understand why I am sure this is what is best for Henry? Do you want him to blame himself he is not able to help me? There is nothing more that can be done, believe me. If it were to afflict someone without powers, they would be dead by now but my magic keeps me alive. It cannot do much more and I do not want Henry to see me like this.

But you do not have to be worried. I will not make him do anything he does not agree to."

He tries reasoning with her, presents every possibility he can think of in such a short time, offers to look out for a way to help, engage the others to do the same. But for every proposal she has a counterproposal, his every idea is just one of the many she thought about during sleepless nights. It goes against his beliefs but at last he understands, she thinks, what she has been trying to tell him from the beginning – that there is nothing that could be done. And that she is really too tired to go through useless, forlorn solutions.

When he leaves with a promise of not taking the matter to anyone without her consent, she finds her home empty once again and this is when it finally settles. She is leaving Storybrooke behind and never going back.

**A/N: And I finally got to the scene that contained my actual inspiration for the story – the spoiler about Henry asking Rumple to take his memories. They did not actually include it in the episode and even deleted scene was better than I hoped but I started thinking how hearing this would affect Regina and somehow this fic happened.**

**I would be grateful for any comments and suggestions how to make this better. **

**And thank you for sticking with me and my story.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Warning: AU after season 3 finale; contains spoilers for season 4 and Once Upon a Time in Wonderland**

The stairs are cold and uncomfortable. She knows she should head to bed and at least try to get some sleep. The following day is sure to be exhausting and will require every little bit of strength she has left inside of her. And yet, she cannot force herself to even think about closing her eyes and loosing this last moments in a place she called home for so many years. She sits still where months ago she let go the person she loves most, foolishly hoping she would be able to regain his trust and love and that there would come the time when Henry will show up at her door, wanting to go back home, go back to her, his mother. It was not until she heard her son beg Rumplestiltskin to take away his memories of their life together, of the whole time he spent in Storybrooke because it _hurt too much _that she finally learnt her lesson.

That last day turned out to be quiet and uneventful. She finally decided what she was going to take with her to the new land. It is not much but every item means a world to her. She got the call from Will, telling her talking with Belle was a futile effort and reminding her that his friend rabbit would arrive through a portal at noon to take them all to Arendelle. _As if I could forget it. _Then there was yet another "session" with Doctor Hopper but he seemed almost as resigned as she was determined. In the corner of her heart that was not filled with despair or numbness she can find gratitude for the Cricket, that he cares enough to try to reach out to her. It does not change anything, not really but matters anyway.

The final task was the hardest for she had to call Henry and ask him to meet her before they were going to say goodbye to Elsa and Will. The boy was surprised to say the least but quickly agreed.

She stares at her hand for the longest of times, the frostbite barely visible in the moonlight but acutely detectable. Nothing has been stopping her from healing herself except her own mind. She wants, needs to remember why she is leaving.

"Hello Regina."

She goes rigid with her eyes focused on her damaged palm. Everything stand still, even her breath seems to be unable to escape the lungs. For a moment there she hopes he is just a figment of an imagination conjured by her tortured mind only to further her pain but then she hears his steps, one by one leading him closer towards the bottom of the stairs. This and her rapidly, painfully beating heart are the only noises she can hear. Then he stops just a few meter away from her and they stay like that, neither moving nor talking.

Eventually the silence gets unbearable. She forces her eyes to look down at him, truly look at him for the first time since their heartbreaking conversation in the mayor's office just after Marian's return. At first sight he seems perfectly fine but all it takes is one closer look into his eyes for her to know that "fine" is the last word that could describe him. He stares at her with a tiny bit of a sad smile so unlike the ones she has gotten used to over the year in the Enchanted Forest and later in Storybrooke. His face thinner than she remembers, frozen, almost expressionless, dark circles around his eyes, the way he is standing – too still, too straight as if he is trying too hard to look undisturbed… Every part of her soul screams that at his suffering, she yearns to touch him, ease his pains and struggles, lock him up in the embrace until the world is theirs again… Yet she knows she cannot do it. It is not her place anymore and the only things she can accomplish with this kind of thoughts is more heartbreak, more hurt for them both. So when she opens her mouth, the words leaving them are cold, heartless even.

"A thief and a burglar, how amazing. Tell me what it is that you want to take from my house in the middle of the night, Robin, so I can fetch it and save us both time. We do not want to keep your wife waiting, do we?"

He winces as if she slapped him, his skin turning even more pale, almost sickly white in the unforgiving moonlight. But his bright eyes tell her she is not fooling him, not for the first time making her regret ever letting herself open up to him.

"I could start with the small talk, recount how well Roland is taking to the new land, how we found this great ice cream shop whose owner practically fell for him in the first five minutes of meeting him, how she always has a special flavor prepared just for him…

I wish I could tell you all of this but we both know now it is not the time and this is not why I came to you tonight. What I want is answers. Everyone is trying to give you space and I do not have any right to question it or you for that matter but I cannot… will not stand by while you are closing every who cares off. So tell me, what happened the night we managed to get through to Elsa when she hit you with her stray spell? Why are you avoiding even your own son? It may not look that way to you but it is how Henry sees it. And the last one for now, what happened two days ago in the forest? Grant me my answers, milady, and I shall leave."

The anger is a welcome surprise. _How dare he?! He has no idea what is happening, got everything he could ever dare to hope for and yet is here, as if he cares, as if I am some kind of a charity, demanding the answers he has no right to get. _The thoughts do not make sense even in her own mind but they help her fight off an impulse to just let herself drown in his presence. She must be strong.

"Oh, is this all you want from me? How noble of you. Breaking into my house in the middle of the night to… what? Check on the Evil Queen to make sure she is not plotting something sinister? Or in the true hero fashion – to convince yourself that it is because you care and want for me not to suffer? Look at me and think "yeah, it is not so bad, she will get over it"? Tell me, Robin, is it working? Are you feeling better, absolved of your guilt? Can you go back to your wife now, finally free, with the sense of moral superiority that you let yourself be concerned about the monster who wanted to kill your wife?"

The cold and numbness pierce through her body, the feeling as if she fell into a frozen pond and there was nothing she could do but drown. And yet she cannot break the eye contact and sees for the first time how the spell is affecting him. He does not realize it, probably thinking those are his own feelings resonating with what she was throwing at him, but she knows better. Avoiding the truth is no longer an option. He is her soul mate and she may have ruined his life once but now it is up to her to ensure their connection will not hurt him. And for that she needs to push him as far away as possible.

"I am not a monster, you want to say? Well, my dear, let me tell you a little secret – not a day went by since Marian came back when I threw Sidney back in the mirror to help me kill her."

"Who is Sidney?"

The question startles her. With everything she just said to him, it is the last thing she expected him to ask about. Although maybe she should not be surprised, he always had a way to throw her off. And he knows that.

"You may think I have forgotten about what happened between us, about the whole year fighting alongside in the Enchanted Forest but I know you, Regina. And I see what you are doing. You want me to get angry and leave hating you and wondering how I could ever loved you. But it is not going to work. And I understand wanting to hurt the people who wrong you but what matters is that you did not. We both know you saved Marian twice already, once just after you wanted to get rid of her if I understand correctly. And without you the damage Elsa made would be so much greater. You may not believe that but we all see it."

_He needs to get out of here!_ She could not stand this conversation any longer, she feels she is on a verge of breaking down, her resolve to keep him at distance crumbling with every word he says. She stands up abruptly and gets down the stairs in order to get to the library. He lets her pass him by but when he does that, their shoulders brush for a second, sending burning shivers down her spine. He follows her as she heads straight to the cabinet filled with items she prepared to leave behind for the others, if they ever needed it. It is a good thing she knows perfectly well what she is after, for Robin cannot distinguish in the dim light what is inside. She doubts he would guess why she has collected all of this but she is not taking any chances right now.

Cold glass of a small vial feels good against her fingers. It makes her feel grounded to the time and place and remind her of what is the right thing to do. With a deep breath she turns around. He stays near the door, sensing she does not want him to come closer and this time respecting it. She glances once again at the potion in her hand and then, without a warning, throw it at him. It says something about his reflex that he swiftly catches the vial without ever averting his gaze from her eyes.

"I was going to give this to you anyway so you actually saved me the trouble, coming here. And no, I will not tell you now how this potion works. You will find out when the time is right. Just remember this, it was made to deal with your situation specifically."

His mouth opens but she does not let him ask anything. The exhaustion finally overwhelms her and she wants him out of the house so badly she finally gives up.

"After we reached an understanding with Elsa and told her she could go back to Arendelle with Will, I spent the night in the hospital because Snow insisted Whale make sure I was not suffering any lasting damage. I was alone because the Uncharmings or Emma, I am not really sure, decided it was better not to bring Henry to me. Secondly, I am doing what is best for my son and you have no idea what that is so I would appreciate it if you did not concerned yourself with the matters of my family. As for the third question – I met your son and wife and ensured that Roland knew how to behave properly towards his mother.

Now, we both know you are a man of honor so since I answered all your questions, you will certainly keep your word and kindly remove yourself from my house. The door is this way."

It is a low blow but she is simply too tired to care or fight. And so is he for he goes without a word of objection. It is only when he is standing outside on the porch that he turns around. His tired eyes are pleading for forgiveness and understanding, promising her something she does not want to comprehend.

After he is gone and she slumps defeated against the front door it is the look in his eyes that stays with her, keeping her company until the first rays of sun announce the beginning of her last day in Storybrooke.

**A/N: I apologize for the delay but I wanted to have their conversation happen in one chapter. I don't know if I managed to convey their emotions properly, in my head it looked so obvious but actually writing it turned out to be difficult. Anyway, thank you for sticking with my story and special thanks for people who review because then I know where I make mistakes:) **

**Till the next time.**


End file.
